Intro to Argumentative Research Paper revision

Clayton revised my introduction. He said it was very good and he liked that I started with a fact that really caught the reader’s eye, but I could use more back up to my claim and I could make my claim a little more clear.

Original:

“Excessive drinking is responsible for more than 4,300 deaths among underage youth each year, and cost the U.S. $24 billion in economic costs in 2010. Although drinking by persons under the age of 21 is illegal, people aged 12 to 20 years drink 11% of all alcohol consumed in the United States. More than 90% of this alcohol is consumed in the form of binge drinks” (CDC). Many underage drinkers consume alcohol illegally because it provides a rush because they know they are not allowed to. For many rebellious teens, they live for the sensation of breaking the law because of the excitement it gives them. Because underage drinkers are not allowed to drink socially, when they are given the opportunity they are more likely to get alcohol poisoning from drinking too much in one time period.

Revised:

“Excessive drinking is responsible for more than 4,300 deaths among underage youth each year, and cost the U.S. $24 billion in economic costs in 2010. Although drinking by persons under the age of 21 is illegal, people aged 12 to 20 years drink 11% of all alcohol consumed in the United States. More than 90% of this alcohol is consumed in the form of binge drinks” (CDC). Underage drinking would decrease tremendously if the legal drinking age in America were lowered to 18 years old. Many underage drinkers consume alcohol illegally because it provides a rush or sensation of knowing they are not allowed. Lowering the legal age would take away the thrill of getting drunk because they are not breaking the law in order to do so, and eventually lower the percentage of alcohol consumers. For many rebellious teens, they live for the sensation of breaking the law because of the excitement it gives them. Because underage drinkers are not allowed to drink socially, when they are given the opportunity they are more likely to get alcohol poisoning from drinking too much in one time period.