America is traditionally considered a safe place; however, many Americans live in constant fear of violence, particularly gun violence, within their own communities. Since the year of 2012, Chicago has become a national symbol of gun violence (Atkins 2015). Because of all the acts of violence and the number of murders in the city, Chicago is also called “Chiraq.” The name “Chiraq” was given to Chicago because walking the streets of Chicago is like walking through Iraq. So many innocent people are losing their lives every day due to senseless gun violence. Chicago has become a war zone, and it is out of control. Many people attribute this to strained relationships between the local communities and law enforcement, but many of these acts of violence can be traced to other factors in different communities including lack of education, unstable income, and poverty. Not all of Chicago is dangerous; there are some neighborhoods and communities that suffer most and need more attention.
Great start getting the audiences attention by talking about all of the gun violence and even the nickname, “chiraq”. You may want to consider adding a statistic or fact about how many casualties have occurred since this outbreak to even further bring the reader in. Overall, great intro.
Great start with setting the context within America and the cultural myth of “safety and security.” When you transition into the discussion of “Chiraq,” you may consider blending those two sentences to reduce some repetition. For example: Because of all the acts of violence and the number of murders in the city, Chicago is (often referred to as) “Chiraq,” because many who walk the streets of Chicago feel as if they are living in a war zone like Iraq.
Also, the point at the end about some neighborhoods being good in Chicago discounts some of the worry established about the crisis earlier in the intro. You may want to consider revising like this: Something should be done to help ease the violence within these at-risk communities to help them become more like the thriving and stable pockets of Chicago that exist alongside these “war zones.”
You did a great job with grabbing your audience’s attention. I think the information following your source was good because you added information as to why you Chicago is becoming a bad city. Your not bias and you come through well with you claim. I think its a great introduction.
Everything looks good expect your thesis is unclear and I can’t really tell if you’ve added it here yet. I like the way you opened the introduction and how you add real facts. Using the name Chiraq is a good way to grab attention and gives the reader a good comparison as to how dangerous it is in Chicago. So the only advice is to work on your thesis and make sure it is clear and outlines a cause and effect relationship of what your arguing.
I like this introduction because it is very informative. From the beginning of the introduction, the reader’s attention is focused on this particular matter. However, your claim is not clear to me. Also, there is some repetition.
This is really good! One suggestion I have is that you put the last sentence somewhere else, the sentence before it would be a good ending to your paragraph.
Really good start! I like how you bring up “Chiraq” but one suggestion I have is condensing that sentence and the one that follows it in order to minimize repetition. I also agree the last sentence seems a little out of place, maybe try putting it somewhere earlier in the intro.